My favorite hand soap, dish soap, shop towels, dish gloves, sponges, tea towels. These are items I imagine I would take with me were I to win a grant to write in Germany, or now, Austria. A six month grant to travel Austria and write my Treaties of Peace. Stories and discoveries to overcome the holocaust. Moving into union with oneself. Treaties of peace that includes the law of nature. An internal treaties of peace. Acceptance. Forgiveness and understanding. A way by which to move forward by being the world you want to see. In my case, more loving, compassionate and kind. 
Using the past as the way to inform and move forward into the future. to rebuild. 
Using the intangible to support the tangible. to move forward and rebuild.
I believe my legacy of my life is to generate as much love as I can. My story is one way of doing that. 
I turn to you, my ancestors, angels and God - I surrender to your guidance. Use me to generate as much lve as possible during my lifetime.
Angels of Gratitude and Angels of Grace. Speak through me. 
​Show me my collaborators. Support me in this cause. 

Lynn, ancestors, angels and God/Universe/Love - you are my tribe now. Show me how not to feel lonely. I am devastated. By the loss. So much loss. Loss of tribe. Loss of family. Loss of life. Loss of direction. I am interested in the intangible. Melding the intangible with the tangible. For the fullest life experience possible. But it's such a heavy and dark time right now. And I trust this. It's just so dark. 

The cast of Friends came to collaborate with me, and sat on the living room floor of my old NY apartment. Jennifer Aniston shared with us that her life experience ranged from being a tiger to being a tangerine. I reflected back to her the understanding that sometimes it was appropriate to take action, like a tiger and sometimes it was appropriate to stay in bed, like a tangerine. And the group collaboration had begun.

Because this is a practice, I'm meeting the page. Cat collapsed to my right. Beethoven piano concertos playing to my left. It's Saturday and feels like Sunday. Because I'm still on the mend from an infection that took me out most of the week. Feeling ill and the antibiotics contribute a less than stellar outlook on life and the changing world.

Today's grief takes the form of one foot in the life-as-I-know-it-is-over-and-i-am-roaming-the-earth-like-a-ghost with a hint of oh-my-gosh-there-is-potential-for-me-to-have-a-purposeful-future. 

It's ok, Lynn - we'll figure it out. We figure out  how your body works,we'lll figureout how the Unicverse works. I imagine there is a corralation. 
I suspect it has to do with balance and self love andthe energy in the spaces between the particles that make up matter. I imagine it has to do with the elements and nature and laws of nature. I imagine the sme laws of nature for the planet and for the universe are the same laws of nature for our bodies. 

So, I'll get to it.

Now All I can do is rest. And heal. 

​It would have been better to have back support for the meditation this mornig.

10 minutes to meditate and 10 minutes to write.

Gosh, my heart is heavy. And nausea kreeps in. The nausea of loss. Today it i the loss of my old life. The loss of tribe. The loss of friends. It is rare that I am left feeling so alone. were I to be on El Camino de Santiago, I would be alone. Gladly alone. But yesterday was Halloween ad in the tradition of my group, a great fantastical creative world was created and since last year was cancelled, I was happy to participate. Inneed of creativity and joy and connection. the world was a Fantasy Candy Factory and we were clowns, dispersing candy. Clownd that did not speak, but made sounds. I was given a reacher pincher upon arrrival and went to the corner of the property and slowly, silently, reached out my candy in the pincher, wating for someone to see it. And then there was the individual interaction with each kid. or thier adult. It was really fun. Playing, interacting with each person. that was such a gift. Everyone else, all aother clowns lined the front of the lawn and gave out candy. There were signs that read, "Choose a Clown to give you candy" I was at the end of the line, at the corner. And I heard a number of adultes say, "She is the best" There were lots of laughs. A few scared tears of the kids, and sympathetic laughs from their adults. But all in all, it was good cheer all around. Lots of laughs. Lots of fun connection. Lots of play. And I'm so grateful for that opportunity. To be able to connect iwth people again. To bring them joy. 

It's cloudy and damp, outside and in. My door is open all niht and the carpet, rug and slippers by the door ae cold and damp. For 24 years I have lived in this apartment. receltly, within the past year, the building has settled in such a way that I am unable to shut my door. I mean, I can push on it hard and wedge it in there, but then I would be tapped, and unable to open it again. My door has never had a a door knob, for as long as I have lived here. You can see a mended crack along the lenghth of the door. leading up to a lock, and a hole stuffed with wood chips there a door knob would go. I can only assume some drastic and liely violent action took place here beofre I moved in. I assume I have been this unit's longes tennant. he building was built in the 30's. I wonder. I have no proof.  I know the previous tennanty was a child actor. He was the Teeage Wherewolf. He was not well when I took over the unit. Many walls were painted in a glossy black. He had a bar custom built into the entryway of the living room. He said he had many parties there. He was diabetic and an amputee. Not well. Angry and liely in much pain. Yost was hist last hame. that was 24 years ago. I wonder where he is now. 

It was difficult for me to settle down to meditate this morning. I was distracted by a number of things around the apartment - new oil for the oil diffuser, let's straighten up the dresser where the oil bottles are kept, why is the area around the mediation table so cluttered? Let's straighten that up. Let's try a new playlist for the mediation. No, let's not. Finally, I settled in. 

We are approaching my father's birthday, on November 9th. It is still over a week away, but I am having a hard time with it. The first birthday without him. I think I am the only one in the family who finds it so important and significant. And I am witnessing the family drift apart, like I anticipated it would, after my father's death. He was the glue. The linchpin. And without him, my deisre to go to Brooklyn has all but dissapeared. Ken and Carmel's life is utterly run by Kian. And Kian has no desire to connect with me or Stephen. They are a mess and I have no desire to get in there to help. I go through the world very differently and I know that my help will n ot be welcome. it has taken a lifetime of my hard work to grow out of the family dynamic. Now all Ican do is do my bet to not get pulled back in. Live by example, and hope that will be enough for them to change, too. That's all I can do. When all I would want would be for them to grow with me. Elevate with me. 

This pattern reoccurs in my life and I am currently beyond my family and now beyond my chosen family and way beyond my tribe. Even beyond my latest best friend with whom I shared so much of my hear over the past couple of years. 

But Iam beyond people who are unable to take responsibility for their reactivity and being triggred and seeing how it effects me. I know how difficult it is to learn to overcome this. I worked on it for years with Stephen. So I know what is it like to be with someone who is capable of taking responsibility for their behavior. 

Of course people will be reactive. Of course people will get triggered. But how they clean up the mess is way more important to me than when they made the mess. 

I know how to do this. I expect that others do the same. 

Something Terry Linn said over 20 years ago still rings true for me today. She said the number one reason why relationships fail is because of reactivity. I am not great in relationships. I go numb. I dissapear. But there is one aspect of relationship that i can speak about with authority and it is about reactivity and getting triggered. this, I know about. This, I studied, for years, with the people who train shrinks from around the world. World class shrinks on building relationships. Including a 10 day residential program. This, I know. And i understand that it is rare, and that others do not know how to clean up their messes because it is rare that people understand the messes they made with their reactivity. I get that. 

Yesterday ended up being a magical day. It seemed that the realization that Source is EVERYWHERE felt like an expansion and depth and opening to a new level of life experience. And withthat came a sense of feedom, I would say, looking back on it. I ended up having a giddy afternoon where I challenged myself to pee in the ocean for the first time in my life. The delight in that ws so freeing. 
Then the drive home. My GPS directed me to talke Pico across town. It was rush hour. And once I got onto Pico, all I saw was a sea of green lights.  Literally for as far as I could see. I drove through without stopping from Lincoln, in Santa Monica to Sawtelle in West L.A., just below the elevated section of the 405. It was miraculous. Then I remembered there is a vegan Thai place I have been wanting  to try for over a year, on Cresent Heights and Beverly. I found it online and put in an order, to be ready by the time I got there.  It was perfectly on my way home. The drive was easy. Getting home was easy. The food was incredible.
It was a glorious day.  Stephen pointed out that I was smiling when I walked in.  I wasn't even aware. 
To know that Source is in the air I breathe, in the food I eat, makes the day feel magical. I am so excited by this concept. It makes me feel not alone. It makes me feel taht I am part of the universe in a new more integrated way. Source is obviously alive in me. And the idea of co-creating my life feels less conceptioal and more literal. Source is in me. It's the vibrating parts of me that I can not see. Source is the energy. 
​So, waht di I want to do today? I feel I want to continue to explore. And yet, I'm so sleepy.

yesterday, it popped into my head that I wanted to pee in the ocean. Something I have not ever done. I meticulously time my ocean visits and beach walks with not needing a bathroom. I have lived in Los Angeles for 24 years and the number of times I have actually swam in the ocean I can count on my fingers. It is possible that during those few times I did pee in the ocean. But I have no recollection of it. 

Yesterday I decided I wanted to pee in the ocean. I have no reason for this. It is just something I wanted to do. Because it is something I just do not do. I decided this when I was at home. I put on a dress, a long dress that I bought for beach walks and that I hike up to keep dry. I packed a novel written by my friend that I have been meaning to devour, along with a beach blanket, sunglasses, etc. for a visit to the beach. On my way to Santa Monica, on the outskirts of West Hollywood, I stopped in at a Coffee Bean and Tea Leave and ordered a green iced tea.  "What size?" they asked. "Big" I said. I left with a small bucket of 32 ounces of tropical peach tea. And a chocolate muffin.  I chose my favorite, most scenic drive and slurped, and bit and chewed and slurped and slipped. When I arrived at some pretty awesome rock star street parking about a half hour later, I noticed half the container was emptied. Or it may have been half full. You decide. I grabbed my shoulder bag and the rest of the tea and headed down Channel Road to the staircase that leads under the highway and to the sand.

It was so warm. About 85 degrees. The sand was warm. The air almost still. The ocean was in front of me, and I trekked to an empty spot a ways beyond the nearest life guard station, which was always closed. I was so happy. I set up the blanket, placed my flip flops on one corner, my bag on another, and the tea on another, right behind me. The ocean was so gentle. There was barely a breeze. Few people were there. It was gorgeous. Late afternoon. The sun was hotter than I had expected and I was without my sun hat. I got up and walked to the water's edge just to put my feet in. Yowzah! That was frigidly cold water. I walked around until I felt my body temperature drop and then made my way back to my blanket and settled in to read. It was glorious. I wasn't able to concentrate too much on the book because I was distracted by the water, watching the gentle waves roll in. It all felt so good. I took a few more sips of the tea. The ice had all melted, making it diluted. But it was still tasty. And refreshing. 

After about an hour, the sun was about to hit the horizon. The tempurature had dropped and I was wrapped in a pashmina. It was time for a gentle sunset beach walk - and a pee in the ocean. So I, inconspicuoulsly as possible, reached under my dress and pulled off my panties. Well, cotton boy briefs, so let's call it underwear. I took off my underwear and neatly folded them up and placed them in my bag. I. was. giddy. I was going to walk the beach not wearing underwear.  It was ridiculous and something I have never ever done before in my life. And of course, nobody would know. Nobody could tell.   I emptied my bag of items that were not my valuables  - the book, pens and writing pad. I stood up, slung the bag over my shoulder, hiked up my dress, and headed down to the water's edge. The drop in air tempurature made the water feel warmer on my feet and ankles. 
It was ridiculous how giddy I felt. I, at 55 years old, am walking the beach without any underwear on.

I started walking up toward the jetty in the distance, with the setting sun hitting the horizon. There were a handful of people poised close to the water's edge, taking it in. I walked about ankle deep in the water, dress hiked up, as nonchalntly as I could and then I dared myself to start peeing as I walked. It shouldn't be hard. I had a compeltely full bladder. I had to go. 
I took my gaze up toward the horizon, and as I stepped, I slowly strated to relase a very small stream of pee, which felst so warm, as it trickled down my leg. I kept my eyes fixed on the horizon, with a huge grin and slightly shaking my head in disbelief that I was peeing in the ocean as I walked, in plain sight of everyone else, and to the best of my ability, without anyone else knowing.

As I continued, I became a little bolder and started to pee harder. That is when I felt the back of my dress get weighed down and soaked. I neglected to hike up the back of my dress. As I walked, the pee hit the bottom of the back of my dress. That was unexpected. So I hiked up the back and tucked it into my belt. The dress began to cling to me as I walked. Not a very plesent experience.  I continued my walk and my pee. Which went on. and on. and on. For much longer than I had antiipated.  I kept walking. And peeing. Because an adult bladder can hold up to 16 ounces of fluid. Although, at this point, I was sure I had exceeded that amount a ways back there.  The sun was nearly fully set when I reached the stone jetty and I climbed up on top to watch the last of it dissapear. A smell of urine wafted up from below.  Was that my dress I was smelling, or was I standing barefoot in a popular place for public urination? 

I thanked the sun for such a spectacular day. thanked it for doing such a wonderful job, lighting my apartment, bringing me energy and keeping the world going. 

The light was going and I eased my way down the boulders back onto the wet sand and picked up the pace back to my beach blanket. The front of my dress stuck to my legs as I walked. It had gotten soaked on my way to the jetty. I was getting cold. It was not pleasant. I don't ever have to do this again. And yet, I was so happy that I did.  

When I made it back to my blanket, I packed up everything in my shoulder bag and headed back to the car. When I got there, I pulled out a sheet and a bath towel I keep in the back of my car and folded up a nice absorbent pillow for the driver's seat. I got in, closed the door and hiked up the soaked skirt so I could sit directly on the wonderfully dry towel. It made me two inches higher than normal. Oh my gosh, it made my seat so much more comfortable. I fit my car so much better. My head rested in the headrest perfectly. My feet reached the ground in a way that felt totally right. What a discovery! I took a deep inhale. I barely detected any smell of pee. And then I realized that before...I was standing barefoot in a popular spot for public urination. Nice.