October 30th, 2021

It's cloudy and damp, outside and in. My door is open all niht and the carpet, rug and slippers by the door ae cold and damp. For 24 years I have lived in this apartment. receltly, within the past year, the building has settled in such a way that I am unable to shut my door. I mean, I can push on it hard and wedge it in there, but then I would be tapped, and unable to open it again. My door has never had a a door knob, for as long as I have lived here. You can see a mended crack along the lenghth of the door. leading up to a lock, and a hole stuffed with wood chips there a door knob would go. I can only assume some drastic and liely violent action took place here beofre I moved in. I assume I have been this unit's longes tennant. he building was built in the 30's. I wonder. I have no proof.  I know the previous tennanty was a child actor. He was the Teeage Wherewolf. He was not well when I took over the unit. Many walls were painted in a glossy black. He had a bar custom built into the entryway of the living room. He said he had many parties there. He was diabetic and an amputee. Not well. Angry and liely in much pain. Yost was hist last hame. that was 24 years ago. I wonder where he is now. 

It was difficult for me to settle down to meditate this morning. I was distracted by a number of things around the apartment - new oil for the oil diffuser, let's straighten up the dresser where the oil bottles are kept, why is the area around the mediation table so cluttered? Let's straighten that up. Let's try a new playlist for the mediation. No, let's not. Finally, I settled in. 

We are approaching my father's birthday, on November 9th. It is still over a week away, but I am having a hard time with it. The first birthday without him. I think I am the only one in the family who finds it so important and significant. And I am witnessing the family drift apart, like I anticipated it would, after my father's death. He was the glue. The linchpin. And without him, my deisre to go to Brooklyn has all but dissapeared. Ken and Carmel's life is utterly run by Kian. And Kian has no desire to connect with me or Stephen. They are a mess and I have no desire to get in there to help. I go through the world very differently and I know that my help will n ot be welcome. it has taken a lifetime of my hard work to grow out of the family dynamic. Now all Ican do is do my bet to not get pulled back in. Live by example, and hope that will be enough for them to change, too. That's all I can do. When all I would want would be for them to grow with me. Elevate with me. 

This pattern reoccurs in my life and I am currently beyond my family and now beyond my chosen family and way beyond my tribe. Even beyond my latest best friend with whom I shared so much of my hear over the past couple of years. 

But Iam beyond people who are unable to take responsibility for their reactivity and being triggred and seeing how it effects me. I know how difficult it is to learn to overcome this. I worked on it for years with Stephen. So I know what is it like to be with someone who is capable of taking responsibility for their behavior. 

Of course people will be reactive. Of course people will get triggered. But how they clean up the mess is way more important to me than when they made the mess. 

I know how to do this. I expect that others do the same. 

Something Terry Linn said over 20 years ago still rings true for me today. She said the number one reason why relationships fail is because of reactivity. I am not great in relationships. I go numb. I dissapear. But there is one aspect of relationship that i can speak about with authority and it is about reactivity and getting triggered. this, I know about. This, I studied, for years, with the people who train shrinks from around the world. World class shrinks on building relationships. Including a 10 day residential program. This, I know. And i understand that it is rare, and that others do not know how to clean up their messes because it is rare that people understand the messes they made with their reactivity. I get that.