because I want to

yesterday, it popped into my head that I wanted to pee in the ocean. Something I have not ever done. I meticulously time my ocean visits and beach walks with not needing a bathroom. I have lived in Los Angeles for 24 years and the number of times I have actually swam in the ocean I can count on my fingers. It is possible that during those few times I did pee in the ocean. But I have no recollection of it. 

Yesterday I decided I wanted to pee in the ocean. I have no reason for this. It is just something I wanted to do. Because it is something I just do not do. I decided this when I was at home. I put on a dress, a long dress that I bought for beach walks and that I hike up to keep dry. I packed a novel written by my friend that I have been meaning to devour, along with a beach blanket, sunglasses, etc. for a visit to the beach. On my way to Santa Monica, on the outskirts of West Hollywood, I stopped in at a Coffee Bean and Tea Leave and ordered a green iced tea.  "What size?" they asked. "Big" I said. I left with a small bucket of 32 ounces of tropical peach tea. And a chocolate muffin.  I chose my favorite, most scenic drive and slurped, and bit and chewed and slurped and slipped. When I arrived at some pretty awesome rock star street parking about a half hour later, I noticed half the container was emptied. Or it may have been half full. You decide. I grabbed my shoulder bag and the rest of the tea and headed down Channel Road to the staircase that leads under the highway and to the sand.

It was so warm. About 85 degrees. The sand was warm. The air almost still. The ocean was in front of me, and I trekked to an empty spot a ways beyond the nearest life guard station, which was always closed. I was so happy. I set up the blanket, placed my flip flops on one corner, my bag on another, and the tea on another, right behind me. The ocean was so gentle. There was barely a breeze. Few people were there. It was gorgeous. Late afternoon. The sun was hotter than I had expected and I was without my sun hat. I got up and walked to the water's edge just to put my feet in. Yowzah! That was frigidly cold water. I walked around until I felt my body temperature drop and then made my way back to my blanket and settled in to read. It was glorious. I wasn't able to concentrate too much on the book because I was distracted by the water, watching the gentle waves roll in. It all felt so good. I took a few more sips of the tea. The ice had all melted, making it diluted. But it was still tasty. And refreshing. 

After about an hour, the sun was about to hit the horizon. The tempurature had dropped and I was wrapped in a pashmina. It was time for a gentle sunset beach walk - and a pee in the ocean. So I, inconspicuoulsly as possible, reached under my dress and pulled off my panties. Well, cotton boy briefs, so let's call it underwear. I took off my underwear and neatly folded them up and placed them in my bag. I. was. giddy. I was going to walk the beach not wearing underwear.  It was ridiculous and something I have never ever done before in my life. And of course, nobody would know. Nobody could tell.   I emptied my bag of items that were not my valuables  - the book, pens and writing pad. I stood up, slung the bag over my shoulder, hiked up my dress, and headed down to the water's edge. The drop in air tempurature made the water feel warmer on my feet and ankles. 
It was ridiculous how giddy I felt. I, at 55 years old, am walking the beach without any underwear on.

I started walking up toward the jetty in the distance, with the setting sun hitting the horizon. There were a handful of people poised close to the water's edge, taking it in. I walked about ankle deep in the water, dress hiked up, as nonchalntly as I could and then I dared myself to start peeing as I walked. It shouldn't be hard. I had a compeltely full bladder. I had to go. 
I took my gaze up toward the horizon, and as I stepped, I slowly strated to relase a very small stream of pee, which felst so warm, as it trickled down my leg. I kept my eyes fixed on the horizon, with a huge grin and slightly shaking my head in disbelief that I was peeing in the ocean as I walked, in plain sight of everyone else, and to the best of my ability, without anyone else knowing.

As I continued, I became a little bolder and started to pee harder. That is when I felt the back of my dress get weighed down and soaked. I neglected to hike up the back of my dress. As I walked, the pee hit the bottom of the back of my dress. That was unexpected. So I hiked up the back and tucked it into my belt. The dress began to cling to me as I walked. Not a very plesent experience.  I continued my walk and my pee. Which went on. and on. and on. For much longer than I had antiipated.  I kept walking. And peeing. Because an adult bladder can hold up to 16 ounces of fluid. Although, at this point, I was sure I had exceeded that amount a ways back there.  The sun was nearly fully set when I reached the stone jetty and I climbed up on top to watch the last of it dissapear. A smell of urine wafted up from below.  Was that my dress I was smelling, or was I standing barefoot in a popular place for public urination? 

I thanked the sun for such a spectacular day. thanked it for doing such a wonderful job, lighting my apartment, bringing me energy and keeping the world going. 

The light was going and I eased my way down the boulders back onto the wet sand and picked up the pace back to my beach blanket. The front of my dress stuck to my legs as I walked. It had gotten soaked on my way to the jetty. I was getting cold. It was not pleasant. I don't ever have to do this again. And yet, I was so happy that I did.  

When I made it back to my blanket, I packed up everything in my shoulder bag and headed back to the car. When I got there, I pulled out a sheet and a bath towel I keep in the back of my car and folded up a nice absorbent pillow for the driver's seat. I got in, closed the door and hiked up the soaked skirt so I could sit directly on the wonderfully dry towel. It made me two inches higher than normal. Oh my gosh, it made my seat so much more comfortable. I fit my car so much better. My head rested in the headrest perfectly. My feet reached the ground in a way that felt totally right. What a discovery! I took a deep inhale. I barely detected any smell of pee. And then I realized that before...I was standing barefoot in a popular spot for public urination. Nice.