October 27th, 2021

This morning, the alarm went off at 6am and in my deep deep state of sleep, I picked up my phone and hit SNOOZE. 10 minutes later, the same thing happened. In my deep deep sleep I picked up my phone and hit SNOOZE. I opened my eyes for the first time, four times into this semiconscious routine. It was 6:39. There was a cat laying across my clavicle and kneeding his claws into my shoulder, breaking the skin. A painful awakeing to my day. I hit SNOOZE one last time. And fell deeply asleep.

This is very unusual for me. But I suppose I was in a sleep cycle that could not be inturrupted at this time. 

I staggered to my 7am Zoom PK Silver class 10 minutes late. Everyone else was energetically flicking their wrists like they were dumping hot potatoes. They were all on the east coast. 3 hours ahead. When it was an appropriate time to be doing such things.

I wasn't able to wake up until about 10 minutes until the end of class. So unusal for me.

Finally class was over and I sat back on the couch. Sadness set in. Deep sadness. But unlike the usual loss of my father, today it felt much bigger. Sadness for the loss of life. Loss of my life. My prior life. The life that no longer serves me. The life that no longer fits. 

I am in a strange no man's land of transition. I honestly am unable to verbalize what doesn't work from my old life. The desire to build out Create Your Career from the Inside Out - well, honestly, I feel it needs an overhaul. Because I want to add more energetic work to the program. And I don't know how to do that yet. I do feel that laughter and play are integral parts of it. Moving the stagnent energy. Physicality is a part of it. 

When I think of Joyful Boogie, I just feel defeated. It doesn't translate to zoom. And it feels to hard to pick up now. And I can't even imagine going into a facility right  now. Too dense. 

It's the first time in 8 years that I am not working on a HPA or SMPTE Award show and I don't miss it. I don't even remember doing them until I see a memory show up on Facebook. And even then, when I see the photos, I think of them as fond memories, but have no pull to go back there.  There are a few aspects I do miss, but overall - not really. 
Those projects provided 5 months of income for me, and I was covered well into the beginning of the following year.

It's a strange no man's land for me, now. The structure I had in place for years is gone. And I am left with the need to lean into trust. Surrender. trust that everything is unfolding perfectly. Surrender into the no knowing. Knowing that I am ok. 

For the first time in my life, I feel I am ramping down, slowing down. wrapping things up. When I cam e to Los Angeles, my new life was so clearly set out in front of me. It was so new. SO fresh. exciting. So fullof possibilites, With very clear dreams.  I feel resolved in having pursued those dreams to the best of my ability. No regrets there. 

I fell into production, when I was at a clean slate place in my file - aslo very fresh and new. pen to seeing where it would take me.