October 22nd, 2021

Today feels like a day that I would love to spend in a proverbial bath tub. Soaking. Candles. Music. Early jazz. Duke or Louis. Ella or Billie. Super absorbant towels. Comfy loungewear. Muffins baking. Curled up on the couch lost in a novel. That's the day today.

I don't have a bathtub, but nothing is stopping me. 

Today there is a sadness to washing away my past, to letting go. 

Today is the day where I experience a feeling of defeat. Like I tried to make it work, but just couldn't. I got as far as I could. Butit reflects a fraction of who I am, my potential. 

So I'm taking a loofah - I say that as though this is done through cognitive thought, which it isn't. So I watch myself take a loofah to my insides and out, sloughing off the old. The past. Washing it off and watching the water go down the drain. 

There is a part of me that is in disbelief that someone - a woman in her mid 50's - can start life anew.  And it's not that I'm starting completely from scratch. I am carring the momentum of what I have built internally up until now. The solid base of self love, honor, respect and value. That is all new, and serves as the new foundation. 

The most common experience I hear of someone in this place is a very successful business person leaving their corner office and buying a yacht to sail around the globe, in a deep search inward. 

I am more in the field of the divorcee who packs a backpack and without any prior camping experience attempts the Pacific Crest trail. Or the single woman in her 40's who goes to Italy and discovers her 5 senses for the first time. 

Except I am drawn to hearing guidance and messages from the places you can't see. 

Yesterday Tracey said that in her practice she learned that the head resides in the heart. I love that. As someone who has relied on my intellectual prowess, coming from a lineage of intellectuals, accessing the heart as a place of wisdom and guidance is something I learned as an adult. The more I lean into it, the more vast it becomes and I see the answers are all stored there. The heart as a portal to source. It's way bigger on the inside. The heart is a Tardis. I am going to make a tee shirt "My heart is my Tardis."
​
OK I just made the tee shirt. And ordered one for myself and my husband. An anniversary present. 
​

---