connecting to humans

Two days On the other side of a full moon and the energy is about letting go. I'll be honest with you. I am having trouble connecting with other humans. All other humans.  For the first time in my life. It's never happened before.

I am traditionally a very social being. Always have been. Since my first friend when I was 2. I have always been surrounded by friends. Close friends.  Good friends. All through my childhood, in ok...wait...just a second...I did not have friends in college. I did undergo a huge friend fallout then, which I attributed to being at a school that was not the right match for me.  I also devoted much of that time toward caring for a "family friend" during the final year of her life - and becoming intimately involved with her extended family and closest friends and community. 

This is totally different. During the pandemic, I saw my tribe break apart and fall away. My closest friends podded with each other and I became more distant. I lost my father, and was left with no parents. Individuals came into my life, revisiting me from the past, but not with the social glue that I experienced pre-pandemic. And now, the two people with whom I felt closest, I am not able to connect with. I am scared to approach my closest friend after being on the receiving end of a reactive tirade and my other closest friend is having tech issues and I litterally can not connect with her.

I am having trouble with humans. Having deep connections with other humans.

I know it's me.  It's not the human race.

But I don't fully understand it. 

In the past, I would be completely melting down. Where are the people?! I can't cope! I have been so intrinsinctly linked to others that lack of connection meant lack of identity. I am no longer in that place.  Over the past 5 year, in particular, I have spent so much energy devoted to developing my own sense of self love, self respect, and self value that my relationship to others has completely changed. I am now at the point where others enhance my sense of self. I am solidly in a place of my true love and devotion is my core sense of self. 

So I'm not completely freaking out about not being able to connect with others. I'm observing myself and watching this as a phase. 

I do miss my best friends. For sure. I would have loved to have shared all of the visceral experiences at the Huntington today with Gisela. I know she would have appreciated the sounds, smells and air of all of the different gardens. It would have been great to have expereinced that with her. 

But, it's not killing me to not have had that with her. 

I guess I see this as what is breaking down in my life. The phase after the full moon. The letting go. Letting go of how I connect with humans. It's all so new to me. 

I have this image of an animation where there is a sound stage or a large boxed stage and the floor boards which are large square tiles all start to come up one by one, as though there is a huge hurricane and they are being pulled up by the wind. And they  get blown away. Dissapear.  Black and white animation. and all that is left is a blank white screen. A blank whie screen. 

Aspects of my life, many aspects of my life need to end, are ending, have ended. I'm ok with that. And am watching it happen. Right now I am the observer. With an unconditional sense of trust that I am being taken care of. That I am ok. That everything is ok right now. I have everything I need.  I am walking into the endings. Trusting that everything is unfolding with a sense of perfection that I can not control. It's an extreme time. In history and in my life. 

And now I call on the support that is new to me. The energetic support I can not see but I know is there. My ancestors, my angels, the spirits of the elements and in nature, and in God. I believe there is a benevolent force that wupports me in this lifetime. I am willing to put down my old life, with the blind faith that what will come next will be better for me. Easier for me. Fuller of life. More laughter, belly aching laughter. More joy and a fuller expression of who I am - for the hisght good of everyone involved. And by that, I mean to shine as brightly, as my biggest contribution to the universe. I'm ok puting down my old life so I can replace it with a new one. One of deeper and full love. 

Alright, ancestors, angels and God - please show me the way. show me my path. 

I just feel like my life as I have known it, is over. And that is all I can feel at the moment.