I want to rebuild my life being informed by the wisdom of source. Being guided by the wisdom of source. I want to discover as many versions of source that I can. Source can be found in so place places and in so many forms. This is my practice and my exploration. It brings tears to my eyes and I'm not sure why. Maybe because it exists everythere I look, everywhere I consider, and I find that so moving. So beautiful. It makes me feel so insignificant. Because source is everywhere in plain sight, but only now, after a year and a half of living in a pandemic, mostly within the confines of my own home, sitting, being still. being quite, isolating. Only now am I ambe to begin to get a grasp of it. Source is literally in the air I breath. It permeates all things. 

So to rewrite my life from a place of being guided by source means compltely rewriting my life because it is such a foreign practice to live this way for me. And it means ltting go of how I lived my old life, my calulated, goal oriented I'm-gonna-figure-it-out life. The I've got this, I am capable, competant, smart, have a way with people life. The charming life. 

I look up at the sun spackled curtains hanging in my kitchen doorway and I am takend by the beauty of the light. It makes me teary. The simplicity of the magical beauty. I look up on the ceiling and the little refracted rainbows fromt he hanging crystal in the windo begin to make their appearance in the living room. They will come and go, and migrate across the living room walls over the course of the day as the sun traverses across the sky. 

Tracey's words of BREATH, BELIEVE, OPEN and RECEIVE ring deeply for me. Today I am open to the magnificance of the beauty that surrounds me in a way that I never have beeen before. It gives me chills. And I feel all I can do is sit and breathe it in. 

Then June's words of "you need do nothing" pop into my head. that's good. Because I'm not really able to do much right now. 

It's a moment, a taste, of what life could be. The experience of life. 

When I think of having a magnificent life, I see I am surrounded by magnificence. it doesn't get more magnficent than experiencing source. 

I didn't have to be on the road to Santiago to achieve this understanding. I just had to sit on my living room floor in the moring every day for a week or so. 

This morning, the alarm went off at 6am and in my deep deep state of sleep, I picked up my phone and hit SNOOZE. 10 minutes later, the same thing happened. In my deep deep sleep I picked up my phone and hit SNOOZE. I opened my eyes for the first time, four times into this semiconscious routine. It was 6:39. There was a cat laying across my clavicle and kneeding his claws into my shoulder, breaking the skin. A painful awakeing to my day. I hit SNOOZE one last time. And fell deeply asleep.

This is very unusual for me. But I suppose I was in a sleep cycle that could not be inturrupted at this time. 

I staggered to my 7am Zoom PK Silver class 10 minutes late. Everyone else was energetically flicking their wrists like they were dumping hot potatoes. They were all on the east coast. 3 hours ahead. When it was an appropriate time to be doing such things.

I wasn't able to wake up until about 10 minutes until the end of class. So unusal for me.

Finally class was over and I sat back on the couch. Sadness set in. Deep sadness. But unlike the usual loss of my father, today it felt much bigger. Sadness for the loss of life. Loss of my life. My prior life. The life that no longer serves me. The life that no longer fits. 

I am in a strange no man's land of transition. I honestly am unable to verbalize what doesn't work from my old life. The desire to build out Create Your Career from the Inside Out - well, honestly, I feel it needs an overhaul. Because I want to add more energetic work to the program. And I don't know how to do that yet. I do feel that laughter and play are integral parts of it. Moving the stagnent energy. Physicality is a part of it. 

When I think of Joyful Boogie, I just feel defeated. It doesn't translate to zoom. And it feels to hard to pick up now. And I can't even imagine going into a facility right  now. Too dense. 

It's the first time in 8 years that I am not working on a HPA or SMPTE Award show and I don't miss it. I don't even remember doing them until I see a memory show up on Facebook. And even then, when I see the photos, I think of them as fond memories, but have no pull to go back there.  There are a few aspects I do miss, but overall - not really. 
Those projects provided 5 months of income for me, and I was covered well into the beginning of the following year.

It's a strange no man's land for me, now. The structure I had in place for years is gone. And I am left with the need to lean into trust. Surrender. trust that everything is unfolding perfectly. Surrender into the no knowing. Knowing that I am ok. 

For the first time in my life, I feel I am ramping down, slowing down. wrapping things up. When I cam e to Los Angeles, my new life was so clearly set out in front of me. It was so new. SO fresh. exciting. So fullof possibilites, With very clear dreams.  I feel resolved in having pursued those dreams to the best of my ability. No regrets there. 

I fell into production, when I was at a clean slate place in my file - aslo very fresh and new. pen to seeing where it would take me. 

A long time in bed this morning meant a short time at the meditation table and a short time at the writing lap. And that is ok. It is ok. But droppig into what mould feed my sould today  is difficult to catch.
So I ask - deerest lynn, heart wisdome, breathe. Tell me what would feed you today? I love the chicken soup I made last night after the rain. It is delicious and three are jars of it sitting on the top shelf of the fidge. I assume it will only get tastier with time. 
Inhale
Exhale
my phone buzzes with texts.
Inhale.
exhale
The apostille arrives in a half hour.
Inhale
exhalge
tuning into the sounds of the traffic on santa monica blvd.
inhale
exhale
I would love to go to idyllwild. alone. for three days. 
Inhale
exhale
I need peace and solidtude
An crisp air.
And my heart has spoken.
My sweeet dear Lynn, I love you so much and honor you truly. deeply. 
A fire in the fireplace. Is that legal now? a soup on the stove. A pie in the oven. Listening to music or a book on "tape", knitting or making jewelry or vision boarding. A walk outside. In the mountain air All of this is divine. 
​Freedom. 

Alright, angelic forces, energetic beings, spirits surrounding me and the Universe - bring it on. It's up to you. I have apparently run out of humans to connect with.

So I look to you. Fill in the gaps.  Show me that when I feel totally isolated, that I am supported, held and guided. Step it up, because everything I have ever relied on and know to rely on, no longer exists or is available to me.  I am turning to you, angels - show me that I am not alone here. Ancestors - some guidance about how to best be and move with flow and grace. Universe - a clue on the big picture for me would be great. 

Alright - time to reach out to the Apostille for the Austrian citizenship application.
Look into ESL certification. Something I can do anywhere. 

​Today is the first fully rainy day of the season. I am loving snuggling up inside, staying warm and dry. Perhaps I'll enjoy a walk in the rain later. 

I speak to my dead father the way I spoke to an imaginary friend when I was a young child.
I miss my pal.
I miss all my pals.

This is a photo of my father immigrating to the United States in 1949. Seated next to him is Fred Hechinger, then columnist for the New York times. He was assigned to do an article on the experience of the immigrants on the boat. My father became friendly with him.  My father, as an attempt to avoid sea sickness, introduced himself to the captain of the boat and offered to create a daily news bulletin for the passengers. He listened to the news on the ship's radio and transcribed the stories and ran them off on a mamiograph machine and distributed the one sheet each day. Coincidentally, also on board was NY Times columnist, Fred Hechinger, doing a story on the immigrant experience on the boat. My father and Fred Hechinger became friendly. Much later, when I was in my 20's, I worked at the Carnegie Corporation of NY, and so did Fred Hechinger, at the very end of his career, as an advisor. My father remembered Fred very well and dug out this photo for me to share with him. I've kept it as one of my prized posessions ever since. 

I have developed a moring meditatin ritual that is working for me for the first time in my life

Yesterday, I created a mediation playlist which includes Tibetan Monks, Brian Eno's Ambient music and a variety of other artists I found in my search.  the list is now 7 and a half hours long. I could meditate all day and be covered.

I have placed my aromatherapy dispenser in a corner of the living room and each morning I fill it with a new scent, before I sit.

I light a tea light in my Himalayan Salt candle holder and ignite a stick of Paulo Santo that I brought back with me from Ecuador.

All of these steps help prepare me to sit. And I appreciate the incorporation of all of the senses. It feels loving and delicious and supportive.

Lately, I have been waking up with energy. It has been so long since that has happened, I don't remember. Maybe since before I got "covid" last year. So, well over a year. I am enjoying it so much. And it is such a relief to know that it is possible to feel this way again. Energized in the morning. When I wake. energized when I wake. What a blessing and waht a relief.

Yesterday was shaping up to be a quiet day of solitude and reading. Instead, it shaped up into taking on the Austrian citizenship application.  I realized my passport is going to expire in two months and I need to time this out while my passport is still valid. I'm finally ready to engage an apostille.  Who I call and who comes to me. I also amassed a pile of documents that follow my father's life from birth to death, including his arrival in London as a 13-year-old, the years he spent in Great Britain, his marriage certificate to my mother - both civil and Jewish, record of his name change from Rottblatt to Jordan, his latest passport and his death certificate. It's a 17 page stack of official and unofficial documentation of my father's 95 year long life. It's heavy and weighs on me and when I think about it, my throat tightens and my airways become constricted. So much strife. So much heaviness. 

Today feels like a day that I would love to spend in a proverbial bath tub. Soaking. Candles. Music. Early jazz. Duke or Louis. Ella or Billie. Super absorbant towels. Comfy loungewear. Muffins baking. Curled up on the couch lost in a novel. That's the day today.

I don't have a bathtub, but nothing is stopping me. 

Today there is a sadness to washing away my past, to letting go. 

Today is the day where I experience a feeling of defeat. Like I tried to make it work, but just couldn't. I got as far as I could. Butit reflects a fraction of who I am, my potential. 

So I'm taking a loofah - I say that as though this is done through cognitive thought, which it isn't. So I watch myself take a loofah to my insides and out, sloughing off the old. The past. Washing it off and watching the water go down the drain. 

There is a part of me that is in disbelief that someone - a woman in her mid 50's - can start life anew.  And it's not that I'm starting completely from scratch. I am carring the momentum of what I have built internally up until now. The solid base of self love, honor, respect and value. That is all new, and serves as the new foundation. 

The most common experience I hear of someone in this place is a very successful business person leaving their corner office and buying a yacht to sail around the globe, in a deep search inward. 

I am more in the field of the divorcee who packs a backpack and without any prior camping experience attempts the Pacific Crest trail. Or the single woman in her 40's who goes to Italy and discovers her 5 senses for the first time. 

Except I am drawn to hearing guidance and messages from the places you can't see. 

Yesterday Tracey said that in her practice she learned that the head resides in the heart. I love that. As someone who has relied on my intellectual prowess, coming from a lineage of intellectuals, accessing the heart as a place of wisdom and guidance is something I learned as an adult. The more I lean into it, the more vast it becomes and I see the answers are all stored there. The heart as a portal to source. It's way bigger on the inside. The heart is a Tardis. I am going to make a tee shirt "My heart is my Tardis."
​
OK I just made the tee shirt. And ordered one for myself and my husband. An anniversary present. 
​

Two days On the other side of a full moon and the energy is about letting go. I'll be honest with you. I am having trouble connecting with other humans. All other humans.  For the first time in my life. It's never happened before.

I am traditionally a very social being. Always have been. Since my first friend when I was 2. I have always been surrounded by friends. Close friends.  Good friends. All through my childhood, in ok...wait...just a second...I did not have friends in college. I did undergo a huge friend fallout then, which I attributed to being at a school that was not the right match for me.  I also devoted much of that time toward caring for a "family friend" during the final year of her life - and becoming intimately involved with her extended family and closest friends and community. 

This is totally different. During the pandemic, I saw my tribe break apart and fall away. My closest friends podded with each other and I became more distant. I lost my father, and was left with no parents. Individuals came into my life, revisiting me from the past, but not with the social glue that I experienced pre-pandemic. And now, the two people with whom I felt closest, I am not able to connect with. I am scared to approach my closest friend after being on the receiving end of a reactive tirade and my other closest friend is having tech issues and I litterally can not connect with her.

I am having trouble with humans. Having deep connections with other humans.

I know it's me.  It's not the human race.

But I don't fully understand it. 

In the past, I would be completely melting down. Where are the people?! I can't cope! I have been so intrinsinctly linked to others that lack of connection meant lack of identity. I am no longer in that place.  Over the past 5 year, in particular, I have spent so much energy devoted to developing my own sense of self love, self respect, and self value that my relationship to others has completely changed. I am now at the point where others enhance my sense of self. I am solidly in a place of my true love and devotion is my core sense of self. 

So I'm not completely freaking out about not being able to connect with others. I'm observing myself and watching this as a phase. 

I do miss my best friends. For sure. I would have loved to have shared all of the visceral experiences at the Huntington today with Gisela. I know she would have appreciated the sounds, smells and air of all of the different gardens. It would have been great to have expereinced that with her. 

But, it's not killing me to not have had that with her. 

I guess I see this as what is breaking down in my life. The phase after the full moon. The letting go. Letting go of how I connect with humans. It's all so new to me. 

I have this image of an animation where there is a sound stage or a large boxed stage and the floor boards which are large square tiles all start to come up one by one, as though there is a huge hurricane and they are being pulled up by the wind. And they  get blown away. Dissapear.  Black and white animation. and all that is left is a blank white screen. A blank whie screen. 

Aspects of my life, many aspects of my life need to end, are ending, have ended. I'm ok with that. And am watching it happen. Right now I am the observer. With an unconditional sense of trust that I am being taken care of. That I am ok. That everything is ok right now. I have everything I need.  I am walking into the endings. Trusting that everything is unfolding with a sense of perfection that I can not control. It's an extreme time. In history and in my life. 

And now I call on the support that is new to me. The energetic support I can not see but I know is there. My ancestors, my angels, the spirits of the elements and in nature, and in God. I believe there is a benevolent force that wupports me in this lifetime. I am willing to put down my old life, with the blind faith that what will come next will be better for me. Easier for me. Fuller of life. More laughter, belly aching laughter. More joy and a fuller expression of who I am - for the hisght good of everyone involved. And by that, I mean to shine as brightly, as my biggest contribution to the universe. I'm ok puting down my old life so I can replace it with a new one. One of deeper and full love. 

Alright, ancestors, angels and God - please show me the way. show me my path. 

I just feel like my life as I have known it, is over. And that is all I can feel at the moment.

In response to the 2016 election, I was catapulted into action. At first I was overcome by fear. But then I took that fear and funneled it into the most empowered way I could - become the world I want to see. Double down on what I do have control over. I wanted to see a more loving, peaceful and compassionate world.  I knew it had to start with myself. How loving was I to myself? How compassionate? How peaceful was my life?

Last night I heard another word which resonated with me - harmonious. How harmonious am i  with myself? Knowing that to the degree I can be harmonious with myself is the degree I can be harmonious with the planet and the world. 

I am giving up the old way of living my life and I am 6 months into living without parents. 6 months of not needed to take care of parents. The old paradigm within my body is crumbling. I no longer wish to feed the old stories of being the daughter of the holocaust survivor, and the bed ridden drug addict. It's as though I am watching that identity evaporate. And waht is left in its place is a wide open space, a vast desert before me. uncharted territory. 

At the end of my meditation -which was challenging to sit still today - my mind was going all over the place. But at the end, I was reminded of the term that guided me before - Become the world I want to see.

Today, I need to be loving and gentle with myself. I thought of big day long adventures to nearby mountains or beach visit. But my system - to be harmonius with my system - I need a day of gentle loving nature. 

​As tensions continue to increase in the zeitgeist, I am called to creating a gentle and loving day for myself. Returning to the idea of "being the world I want to see." Tuning in, to the best of my ability, and giving my system what it needs. It's such a daily practice. When I get it right, it feels so supportive. And often what I need is so simple. Today, I got it right.

Recently the Huntington Gardens reopened. I went online and saw there were tickets available for today. This feels perfect for me. And now I have an hour and a half to prepare - shower, eat a delicious breakfast and choose beautiul comfortable clothes for the sunny 80 degree weather, and pack a bag of lucious items designed to feed my soul. 

Later this afternoon, there is a group Angel meeting, and it's perfect for today. 

Right now, Mozart's Clarinet Concerto plays on my computer and it is perfect. 

​Breathing deeply.