My favorite hand soap, dish soap, shop towels, dish gloves, sponges, tea towels. These are items I imagine I would take with me were I to win a grant to write in Germany, or now, Austria. A six month grant to travel Austria and write my Treaties of Peace. Stories and discoveries to overcome the holocaust. Moving into union with oneself. Treaties of peace that includes the law of nature. An internal treaties of peace. Acceptance. Forgiveness and understanding. A way by which to move forward by being the world you want to see. In my case, more loving, compassionate and kind. 
Using the past as the way to inform and move forward into the future. to rebuild. 
Using the intangible to support the tangible. to move forward and rebuild.
I believe my legacy of my life is to generate as much love as I can. My story is one way of doing that. 
I turn to you, my ancestors, angels and God - I surrender to your guidance. Use me to generate as much lve as possible during my lifetime.
Angels of Gratitude and Angels of Grace. Speak through me. 
​Show me my collaborators. Support me in this cause. 

Lynn, ancestors, angels and God/Universe/Love - you are my tribe now. Show me how not to feel lonely. I am devastated. By the loss. So much loss. Loss of tribe. Loss of family. Loss of life. Loss of direction. I am interested in the intangible. Melding the intangible with the tangible. For the fullest life experience possible. But it's such a heavy and dark time right now. And I trust this. It's just so dark. 

The cast of Friends came to collaborate with me, and sat on the living room floor of my old NY apartment. Jennifer Aniston shared with us that her life experience ranged from being a tiger to being a tangerine. I reflected back to her the understanding that sometimes it was appropriate to take action, like a tiger and sometimes it was appropriate to stay in bed, like a tangerine. And the group collaboration had begun.

Because this is a practice, I'm meeting the page. Cat collapsed to my right. Beethoven piano concertos playing to my left. It's Saturday and feels like Sunday. Because I'm still on the mend from an infection that took me out most of the week. Feeling ill and the antibiotics contribute a less than stellar outlook on life and the changing world.

Today's grief takes the form of one foot in the life-as-I-know-it-is-over-and-i-am-roaming-the-earth-like-a-ghost with a hint of oh-my-gosh-there-is-potential-for-me-to-have-a-purposeful-future. 

It's ok, Lynn - we'll figure it out. We figure out  how your body works,we'lll figureout how the Unicverse works. I imagine there is a corralation. 
I suspect it has to do with balance and self love andthe energy in the spaces between the particles that make up matter. I imagine it has to do with the elements and nature and laws of nature. I imagine the sme laws of nature for the planet and for the universe are the same laws of nature for our bodies. 

So, I'll get to it.

Now All I can do is rest. And heal. 

​It would have been better to have back support for the meditation this mornig.

10 minutes to meditate and 10 minutes to write.

Gosh, my heart is heavy. And nausea kreeps in. The nausea of loss. Today it i the loss of my old life. The loss of tribe. The loss of friends. It is rare that I am left feeling so alone. were I to be on El Camino de Santiago, I would be alone. Gladly alone. But yesterday was Halloween ad in the tradition of my group, a great fantastical creative world was created and since last year was cancelled, I was happy to participate. Inneed of creativity and joy and connection. the world was a Fantasy Candy Factory and we were clowns, dispersing candy. Clownd that did not speak, but made sounds. I was given a reacher pincher upon arrrival and went to the corner of the property and slowly, silently, reached out my candy in the pincher, wating for someone to see it. And then there was the individual interaction with each kid. or thier adult. It was really fun. Playing, interacting with each person. that was such a gift. Everyone else, all aother clowns lined the front of the lawn and gave out candy. There were signs that read, "Choose a Clown to give you candy" I was at the end of the line, at the corner. And I heard a number of adultes say, "She is the best" There were lots of laughs. A few scared tears of the kids, and sympathetic laughs from their adults. But all in all, it was good cheer all around. Lots of laughs. Lots of fun connection. Lots of play. And I'm so grateful for that opportunity. To be able to connect iwth people again. To bring them joy.